Weddings and marriage a thing of romance and dreams. Unfortunately, not everything is roses and ice cream when it comes to these two things. That's why I am going to share the research that helps clarify why things don't always go smoothly and what we can learn from that.
Why do people marry? When doing a study on young men and women, that were single, they found that women had a higher drive to marry than men. Given that there's a high amount of people who eventually marry, it'd be reasonable to say that most people want to get married. When we think of people who are getting married, we'd probably say that it's because they're in love. Interestingly, there are some social scientist who believe that the full meaning of love isn't there until after marriage, not before. Marriage was originally for wealth and to gain connections. Then as time went on it went to fulfill the need for intimacy or love.
Today one of the reasons people marry is to establish an intimate relationship. Then there's societal expectations to marry. Most societies have rules about people marrying and usually think that most will marry. One of the expectations is that once you are married, then you're off limits to others. Another expectation is to have children and create your own family. Parents may even pressure their children to get married, which can create a marriage that is doomed to fail. Societal ideals and personal fulfillment, this shows that in America we value a marriage that brings children and lasts their whole lives. Growing up with this ideal, we come to believe that marriage will satisfy some basic needs or even all of their needs and bring the greatest happiness possible. This in itself creates unrealistic expectations and can cause serious problems. It's ok to expect marriage to help fulfill personal fulfillment and satisfaction, since married people do show a greater amount of these two things than single. Just don't go overboard in your ideals, we're all still human. Desiring children and to create their own families is another reason to marry. Practical solution to problems and challenges. Some people come from bad situations and think marriage will improve that. Then there's those who think it will help them fulfill or realize their dreams. Also seen as a way to have a steady and dependable sex life. Some are just lonely and want to get away from that.
Contracts for marriage help clarify and help avoid problems, before marriage. Some people do this through a prenuptial agreement which is legal and done by a lawyer. This usually discusses money matters, but it can also specify non-financial matters such as household chores, child care, education and work hour limits. There's also post-nuptial agreements, which decide money matters after being married. There are also those who aren't comfortable with marriage contracts about money. For them, it's suggested that they do what's called an informal marriage contract which isn't legally binding and just clarifies their expectations. This is a good thing because it helps create understanding of what they expect and prevent conflict or issues later on. The contract shouldn't be non-negotiable and be open to discussion at all times, since things change over time.
The wedding is public ceremony that celebrates the marriage and validates it or makes it legal. In societies that are preindustrial the wedding may be the sharing of a common meal and transferring the bride from her parents' home to her husband's. Today, weddings have become elaborate and expensive. Usually the bride is the one who does most of the wedding planning and sometimes there's so much involved that they hire a wedding planner. There are all kinds of questions- where to have the wedding and reception? What food will we have? Who will do pictures? The list goes on and on. Let's take a look at the average wedding costs in the U.S. in 2016 the average was $32,641. Since, the average marriage age has risen, most couples have careers and plan on paying at least some of the money themselves. More elaborate weddings can create bad feelings between the couple and the parents. One reason could be that the couple has different preferences for the wedding and parents who are paying may impose things on the wedding that the couple don't want.
When we were talking in class, we discussed that it's better to have an affordable wedding that's nice, that the couple can agree on and pay for. Since, this creates a stronger bond between the couple and doesn't have a stronger bond between the children and parents who are paying for the wedding. A wedding is supposed to celebrate and help create a separate union and so preparations for the wedding should help achieve them becoming more of a couple.
Marriage adjustments come as you become a couple. Both individuals have expectations and different interests. Adjustments that women make are usually moving to where the husband lives and changing their careers. Then women usually do most of the household chores in most homes. As children come, women typically take most of the responsibility of taking care of the children. In courtship men were usually good at talking in ways to build intimacy, but after marriage tend to spend less time talking to their wives about their relationship. Which doesn't meet the needs of the woman to talk, to increase their intimate relationship.
Marriages that start out with disadvantages helps create many areas of concern. For instance, if there's low income and not much education. Or even if one of the people in the marriage is going to school, this can cause problems over the use of time and not being able to work on the relationship. On top of the relationship issues, there's adjusting to in-laws, which can either be good or bad. One thing that has been found to be helpful is to make sure that in-laws know that the couple's marriage comes first and everyone else comes after. This helps create a stronger bond around the couple and helps others to respect that bond.
Overall, there's a lot of changes that happen and marital satisfaction tends to go down by the end of the first year. Positive feelings are still in the marriage, but they have just moderated. Also, if they have a baby in the first year, there tends to be a decrease in satisfaction due to more work and less time to spend as a couple doing fun things. But, things can still be good if the couple works as a team, sharing in the care and planning for the baby. As well as making time to spend time together, keeping the marriage a priority. Even though there's challenges, couples can still be happy and have good marriages if they work to communicate in positive ways, keep going on dates, talking to each other each day for at least 15 minutes and most of all making their marriage a top priority. My personal advice is to make the happiness of your spouse your top priority, if your spouse is happy then you probably will be too.
What are some things that have strengthened your marriage or that you've seen in other marriages that you like? Is there anything that you enjoyed or remember from your wedding or advice for those who are getting married?
Link below to a short video
Saving Your Marriage
A great book with top notch research is by John Gottman called The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. There's also a book with great advice called Take Back Your Marriage by William J. Doherty.
Below is a link to an interview with the author.
Take Back Your Marriage
Below is a video that summarizes the book.
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, Book Summary
Most of my information was from Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy and Take Back Your Marriage by William Doherty, PhD.
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