We communicate all the time, but are we really getting the message? First off, communication is using language and nonverbal signs to create shared meaning between two or more people. There is more however than just words and signs when it comes to communicating. We communicate meanings even when we don't say something. For instance, just your facial expressions say something about the way you're feeling. To understand better, look at the communication process: Encode an idea or feeling into language to convey the message to a person, then there's the media, which is how the meaning is conveyed through words or nonverbal communication. Next is the receiver decodes, or interprets the communication to understand your feelings and ideas. Then they filter the message through their feelings and ideas, to prepare to respond. Then receiver becomes the sender and the process starts again.
Types of Communication
Most of the time we think of communicating with words, but we all have our own symbols that have different meanings to each of us. This is what happens when we use words, each word means something different to each of us. A good example would be what would someone think if you told them I love you? Would they think you love them in a brotherly way, as a friend, you love them romantically, etc. Then there's nonverbal communication which can be the way you say something, which is called a nonverbal cue. Do you say- "I love you" in an angry voice, a questioning voice or with passion? This shows you can't count on just words to say something. It's been estimated that 50-80% of our meaning is conveyed through nonverbal communication.
Nonverbal Communication
There are many different ways to send nonverbal cues, one way is the way you dress. If you were going to meet someone for the first time, this would tell them about the kind of person you are or how important you think the meeting is. What do you think when you see someone sloppily dressed? Do you think they're lazy and don't care? You can see how just one cue can send a lot of information. There's touch, this can tell a person how comfortable you are with them or how you're feeling. For example, if someone hugs you tightly maybe they're distressed, compared to a soft hug which could say they feel relaxed. Another important cue is facial expression and eye movement. Some people learn to control their facial expressions, but still have moments of surprise or annoyance that are hard to hide. Controlling your eyes though is another story. They can tell a person if you're interested, how you feel or level of confidence.
Purpose of Nonverbal Communication
Nonverbal cues complement or reinforce what we say. If I hug someone after saying I missed you, this would help them believe what I said. They may contradict what we say, such as if I say I'm happy but look sad. Repeating the message by saying the same thing but without words, such as if I develop a message of love with my spouse by blowing them a kiss. Regulating communication by showing if you agree with what they're saying by nodding your head. They can substitute for words by doing an action instead of saying something. Such as if someone asks if you're tired and you pretend to snore in response. They can accent what you say, such as emphasizing a certain word or pausing. Trigger attributions to you, by using a cue and the person attributes different feelings or motivations to what you did. Like if I came home and threw my bag down, my spouse would think I was upset and tired of school. Nonverbal cues can also influence others attitudes and behaviors. Such as if I asked my husband to do the laundry by smiling and hugging him, he'd probably be happier and more likely to comply with my request.
Understanding the Cues
There are different things that change your interpretation of nonverbal cues, such as gender and how close you are to the person. In use of cues females tend to smile more than males, they see this as a nonthreatening way to acknowledge someone. A male might misinterpret the smile from a woman, as she finds him attractive. If the cue is something that could have more than one meaning, then people can interpret it according to their stereotypes of the sexes and according to their own gender. Such as people usually stereotype women to express sadness more than men. Women have been found to be more sensitive and accurate in recall of nonverbal cues, than men. This means that they are better at understanding what men are saying, than men are. This could be due to women paying more attention and being better at interpreting communication. How close you are in relation to the person, also affects how accurately you interpret their communication. In a study they found that those in a long, romantic relationship were less accurate in perceiving cues of love. Might be a good idea to verbally ask if how you interpret cues is correct, to prevent problems.
Communication Problems
Sometimes static may get in the way, this when people aren't sure of what they're feeling or their ideas. Which leads us to sending insufficient and confusing information. This can be expressed through a phrase such as "you know" or by having a more intense nonverbal cue, than what the person said. These things just lead to confusion of the receiver and makes them wonder if they trust the words or the emotion. The receiver may also misinterpret the meaning of the message, if the sender isn't very clear and doesn't explain the motivation to what they say. Such as if my husband asked if I wanted to go out to dinner when he came home. I might misinterpret that he's sick of my cooking and get upset, when he just wanted to be nice and give me a night off from cooking. Feelings are a crucial part of communication. The way you think your spouse feels about things may be more important than what they actually say. How someone feels may be misinterpreted and then the misinterpretation just continues throughout the communication cycle. So, before you get upset because you think your spouse is mad at you, try to ask them why they said what they said and clarify how they feel. In a study of couples, they found that hostility was reciprocated more than positive emotions, since they were just trying to reciprocate the feelings they thought were being shown.
Poor Listening
Being fake, by pretending to listen by smiling and nodding. Dependent listener, being concerned with pleasing the speaker and wanting to make a good impression, so they aren't able to listen and respond correctly. The interrupter, never allows someone to finish what they're saying. May be concerned with their own thoughts or feelings or want to say something before they forget. Listener who's self-conscious, concerned with their status in relation to the speaker and try so hard to impress them, that they aren't really listening to understand. Intellectual listener, only listen to the words said and ignore the nonverbal cues. Treat conversations with logic and as a problem to be solved.
Good Listening
Actively listen by paying attention to not only what they say, but the nonverbal cues and show you're listening by saying things like "I see." Resist distractions, ignore them and make a conscious decision to focus on what they say. Control yourself, don't respond out of emotion before your partner is finished. Even if what they said was upsetting, try to listen and hear what they have to say completely. Ask questions and rephrase what you heard to clarify. Summarize what you heard, to make sure you to make sure you got the whole message. Practice by using these skills on others, to improve skills and enhance relationships.
My Thoughts
I think listening in communication is absolutely critical. You need to focus on what they're saying and not on what you want to say, while they're talking. Also, giving the person a benefit of the doubt. Nobody's perfect and so that means you can't understand someone perfectly, so if you're not sure about what they're saying or feeling, just ask them. I can't tell you how many times I've misinterpreted what somebody said or a nonverbal cue. Then later when I actually ask, I'm usually wrong in what I assumed. My invitation is to pick one thing you want to improve on in communication, whether it's listening or being better at clarifying what you say. Which are you better at communicating or listening?
Below is a link to a ted talk
How to speak so that people want to listen (Ted Talks)
Below is a link to test your ability to read nonverbal communication
Exploring Nonverbal Communication
Source: Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer & Lauer
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