Understanding & Improving Communication

     We communicate all the time, but are we really getting the message?  First off, communication is using language and nonverbal signs to create shared meaning between two or more people.  There is more however than just words and signs when it comes to communicating.  We communicate meanings even when we don't say something.  For instance, just your facial expressions say something about the way you're feeling.  To understand better, look at the communication process: Encode an idea or feeling into language to convey the message to a person, then there's the media, which is how the  meaning is conveyed through words or nonverbal communication.  Next is the receiver decodes, or interprets the communication to understand your feelings and ideas.  Then they filter the message through their feelings and ideas, to prepare to respond.  Then receiver becomes the sender and the process starts again.
Types of Communication
     Most of the time we think of communicating with words, but we all have our own symbols that have different meanings to each of us.  This is what happens when we use words, each word means something different to each of us.  A good example would be what would someone think if you told them I love you?  Would they think you love them in a brotherly way, as a friend, you love them romantically, etc.  Then there's nonverbal communication which can be the way you say something, which is called a nonverbal cue. Do you say- "I love you" in an angry voice, a questioning voice or with passion?  This shows you can't count on just words to say something.  It's been estimated that 50-80% of our meaning is conveyed through nonverbal communication.
Nonverbal Communication
     There are many different ways to send nonverbal cues, one way is the way you dress.  If you were going to meet someone for the first time, this would tell them about the kind of person you are or how important you think the meeting is.  What do you think when you see someone sloppily dressed?  Do you think they're lazy and don't care?  You can see how just one cue can send a lot of information.  There's touch, this can tell a person how comfortable you are with them or how you're feeling.  For example, if someone hugs you tightly maybe they're distressed, compared to a soft hug which could say they feel relaxed.  Another important cue is facial expression and eye movement.  Some people learn to control their facial expressions, but still have moments of surprise or annoyance that are hard to hide.  Controlling your eyes though is another story.  They can tell a person if you're interested, how you feel or level of confidence.
Purpose of Nonverbal Communication
     Nonverbal cues complement or reinforce what we say.  If I hug someone after saying I missed you, this would help them believe what I said.  They may contradict what we say, such as if I say I'm happy but look sad.  Repeating the message by saying the same thing but without words, such as if I develop a message of love with my spouse by blowing them a kiss.  Regulating communication by showing if you agree with what they're saying by nodding your head. They can substitute for words by doing an action instead of saying something.  Such as if someone asks if you're tired and you pretend to snore in response.  They can accent what you say, such as emphasizing a certain word or pausing.  Trigger attributions to you, by using a cue and the person attributes different feelings or motivations to what you did.  Like if I came home and threw my bag down, my spouse would think I was upset and tired of school.  Nonverbal cues can also influence others attitudes and behaviors.  Such as if I asked my husband to do the laundry by smiling and hugging him, he'd probably be happier and more likely to comply with my request.
Understanding the Cues
     There are different things that change your interpretation of nonverbal cues, such as gender and how close you are to the person.  In use of cues females tend to smile more than males, they see this as a nonthreatening way to acknowledge someone.  A male might misinterpret the smile from a woman, as she finds him attractive.  If the cue is something that could have more than one meaning, then people can interpret it according to their stereotypes of the sexes and according to their own gender.  Such as people usually stereotype women to express sadness more than men.  Women have been found to be more sensitive and accurate in recall of nonverbal cues, than men.  This means that they are better at understanding what men are saying, than men are.  This could be due to women paying more attention and being better at interpreting communication.  How close you are in relation to the person, also affects how accurately you interpret their communication.  In a study they found that those in a long, romantic relationship were less accurate in perceiving cues of love. Might be a good idea to verbally ask if how you interpret cues is correct, to prevent problems.
Communication Problems
     Sometimes static may get in the way, this when people aren't sure of what they're feeling or their ideas.  Which leads us to sending insufficient and confusing information.  This can be expressed through a phrase such as "you know" or by having a more intense nonverbal cue, than what the person said.  These things just lead to confusion of the receiver and makes them wonder if they trust the words or the emotion.  The receiver may also misinterpret the meaning of the message, if the sender isn't very clear and doesn't explain the motivation to what they say.  Such as if my husband asked if I wanted to go out to dinner when he came home.  I might misinterpret that he's sick of my cooking and get upset, when he just wanted to be nice and give me a night off from cooking.  Feelings are a crucial part of communication.  The way you think your spouse feels about things may be more important than what they actually say.  How someone feels may be misinterpreted and then the misinterpretation just continues throughout the communication cycle.  So, before you get upset because you think your spouse is mad at you, try to ask them why they said what they said and clarify how they feel.  In a study of couples, they found that hostility was reciprocated more than positive emotions, since they were just trying to reciprocate the feelings they thought were being shown.
Poor Listening
     Being fake, by pretending to listen by smiling and nodding.  Dependent listener, being concerned with pleasing the speaker and wanting to make a good impression, so they aren't able to listen and respond correctly.  The interrupter, never allows someone to finish what they're saying.  May be concerned with their own thoughts or feelings or want to say something before they forget.  Listener who's self-conscious, concerned with their status in relation to the speaker and try so hard to impress them, that they aren't really listening to understand. Intellectual listener, only listen to the words said and ignore the nonverbal cues.  Treat conversations with logic and as a problem to be solved.
Good Listening
     Actively listen by paying attention to not only what they say, but the nonverbal cues and show you're listening by saying things like "I see."  Resist distractions, ignore them and make a conscious decision to focus on what they say.  Control yourself, don't respond out of emotion before your partner is finished.  Even if what they said was upsetting, try to listen and hear what they have to say completely.  Ask questions and rephrase what you heard to clarify.  Summarize what you heard, to make sure you to make sure you got the whole message.  Practice by using these skills on others, to improve skills and enhance relationships.  
My Thoughts
     I think listening in communication is absolutely critical.  You need to focus on what they're saying and not on what you want to say, while they're talking.  Also, giving the person a benefit of the doubt.  Nobody's perfect and so that means you can't understand someone perfectly, so if you're not sure about what they're saying or feeling, just ask them.  I can't tell you how many times I've misinterpreted what somebody said or a nonverbal cue.  Then later when I actually ask, I'm usually wrong in what I assumed. My invitation is to pick one thing you want to improve on in communication, whether it's listening or being better at clarifying what you say.  Which are you better at communicating or listening?

Below is a link to a ted talk
How to speak so that people want to listen (Ted Talks)

Below is a link to test your ability to read nonverbal communication
Exploring Nonverbal Communication

Source: Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer & Lauer
   

Family Crisis and Coping

     In life obstacles always come our way.  One of the hardest obstacles is when they enter our family.   I've found that it's much easier to deal with these obstacles if we are prepared.  You may be wondering, but how do I prepare for obstacles that I don't know are coming?  A great way to be prepared is to know what resources & strengths you have.
Resilient Family
     First off, to be in the best position for a crisis, a family needs to be functioning well.  This is best achieved when the family has learned how to work together, which develops strengths.  So, let's look at some strengths, that a resilient family or a family that has developed strengths, has. There's
-communication in beliefs and emotions
-shared leisure activities
-social support network of friends and family
-acceptance of each member's personality and behavior
-sharing routines such as family meals and chores
-celebrations including birthdays, religious events and other special events
-health both physically and emotionally
-good financial management
-good traditions that carry over from one generation to another
-commitment to the family, the belief that family members have control over their lives and a sense that family can deal with all challenges.
     Basically, to me it means working to create good relationships with your family now, so that you can overcome difficulties together later.  You may be wondering if this really works.  I can say that from personal experience that even though family crisis are hard, they are much easier to deal with when you know you have your family to help each other and support one another.  If you don't have that kind of relationship with your family now, I highly recommend that you work on it now by doing those things that were listed.  Even just spending time as a family to share dinner together, without electronics, is a great place to start and build better relationships.  
Tools for Coping
     Taking responsibility for yourself and your family.  This means you don't avoid the problem or blame others and you don't play the victim.  Even though you may have been victimized by someone or something, you don't continue to act as a victim-oppressed, hurt, in pain, exploited and helpless, you learn to move past this.  For instance, in the circumstances of a divorce, you make a new course for your life, instead of just being the victim.  Another way to take responsibility may be confronting someone about a problem they have, such as drug abuse.  The family may have to confront the individual and tell them they have a severe problem and need professional help and have consequences if they don't address the problem.
     Affirming worth of yourself and your family.  In crisis people's self-esteem tends to get attacked.  In order to deal with the crisis and be effective, you need to believe in yourself and your ability to deal with the problem.  You may even need to remind yourself and your family that your family is full of people with strengths and the ability to cope effectively.
     Balance concern for yourself and for others.  It's easy to get caught in how you're feeling when in a crisis.  Being self-focused is self-destructive, as well only being focused on others.  This means you need to work on how you're feeling and how others feel to help balance it out.  For instance, if someone was being abused.  You don't stay in the abusive relationship because your spouse needs you.  The reverse being you don't just leave a relationship because you want room to grow, not taking any consideration for the other person.
     Learn the art of reframing.  This means redefining the meaning of something or changing the perspective you have of a situation.  Redefining something from troublesome to adaptive and useful.  For instance, instead of looking at someone in the family, who's having a drug problem as being problematic, you see them as someone who needs help and can overcome it.
     Find and use available resources.  There are many internal and external resources that families have and can turn to in times of crisis.  For instance, family members can be great sources of emotional support.  Also, being able to talk about your problems with each other is a great strength, as well as all the other strengths we identified earlier.  Religious beliefs can be a great source of hope and strength, as well as giving a different perspective on the situation.  External resources can be things such as books, friends, self-help groups, extended family and professionals, such as therapists.  You can even look in the telephone book for local listings for drug abuse and addiction information, women's organizations & services or treatment centers.  Another great help is school counselors or religious leaders.
 My Thoughts and Invitation
     I love that if we deal with a crisis in a healthy way, that we can grow closer together and prevent further problems.  Also, remembering that a crisis can make you stronger and become better.  We don't grow muscle without working against weight.  One of the first steps to dealing with crisis to me, is admitting that something is wrong and asking or looking for help.  You can't deal with something, until it's addressed.  Even by just talking to someone about a problem, helps me to feel better.  Please choose something that was shared and decide that you will work on it.  I know for me, I can always work on improving my relationships and asking if there's any way that I can help those I know.  What's something that stood out to you or helped you in times of crisis?    

Link below to a good way of looking at a crisis
How To Deal With Crisis

An example of how to help.  I found a crisis center where I live and you can even volunteer to help. Just type in family crisis into Google and find a center near you.  Not only will you help others, but you can learn as well.  Also, a great place if you need help.

Source: Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer & Lauer

Teen Pregnancy

     We live in a world where teen pregnancy is a serious reality.  Even though teen pregnancy rates have gone down, I think there is much room for improvement.  One reason I feel this way, is that many times when a girl gets pregnant this tends to decrease what she can do with her future.  I don't feel that we are doing enough to help teens and children understand and prevent teen pregnancy, as well as other issues that come from having sex outside of marriage.
     Who does this affect?
     First one in three girls become pregnant before 20 years old, also teenagers make up half of all first out-of-wedlock births.  Also, one out of five teens have repeat births.  The hard reality is that the teens are not the only ones who are affected by this.  This also affects their family and especially the children that are born.  This contributes to poverty for the mother and child, as well as an absence of a father, this makes the prospects of the child reduced.  I could go on and on about just this part, but trust me when I say that research shows many negative consequences in this instance.
     Why does teen pregnancy happen?
     Things have changed over the years and there's a longer span between adolescence and becoming a successful adult.  Marriage also tends to come later in adulthood now.  Not to mention that culture doesn't tell teens what is the optimal sequence for sex, marriage and parenthood.  Also, they aren't given the recent social science evidence at school or home, on social and economic benefits, that come from a low-conflict and long lasting marriage for women, men and children.  Every day teens are exposed to messages about sex in TV, magazines, internet, phones and books, not to mention pornography.
     Where do kids learn about sex?
     Most teens learn about sex from their friends, Internet and anywhere else, before they get information from their parents or teachers.  Most parents aren't sure how to address sex, it's purpose and what a healthy relationship entails, with their children, let alone their teens.  This is something that can't be ignored, I repeat you need to address sex with your children from a young age.  The reason for this is that children are exposed to these things from a very young age.  For instance, before children go to school, they should be taught that they have private parts, what they're called and that they are very special.  That their parts shouldn't be touched by anyone else but them and to let their parents know if anyone touches their parts or someone else's, because they are so special.  Also, let them know to tell you if anyone shows them pictures of someone not fully clothed.
     What to do?
     The message here, is that parents can't put off talking to their kids about sex.  The best way is to do it at different times, about different areas of the subject that are appropriate at the different ages.  Discussing these topics from a young age helps keep an open conversation about sex and helps prevent issues.  Need to also make sure your children know that they can come to you with any questions they have.  Since, they will go somewhere else with their questions and may get wrong information.  It's important also to help children know what a healthy relationship is and when it's appropriate and correct to have sex and why.
     Personal Experience
     For me, I was taught from a young age that sex is a very special act.  That it is to only be done between husband and wife, who are married.  That the reason for this is that it is very bonding emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  As well as that the only one that you should give that part of yourself to, is someone who loves you so much that they want to marry you and spend their life with you.  It's also what allows people to have children and so, it should be with someone that would want to help you take care of those children with you and that you want and trust to be the parent of those children.  This helped me to have a view that marriage was the only thing that would allow me to engage with someone sexually, and look forward to the day when I could engage with someone who loved me, as much as I loved them.  I can honestly say that I completely agree with this and that sex is more than something to fulfill a need.  It is one of the most sacred and special things that I have ever been a part of.  I am so happy that I waited until after marriage with someone who loves me and makes me feel grateful & happy everyday.  I will be forever grateful that I was able to wait not just for me, but because I wanted the best for my children, the opportunity and blessing of having two parents.  Not just because of research, but because of my own personal experience and happiness.  So, for the sake of your children, give them something to look forward to in the future and why this is so important!    
Why do you think it's so hard to talk about sex with your children?  Do you have any advice or experience that helped your children in this area?

Below is a link to a resource for parents from lds.org.  I realize that everyone isn't religious, but this has good ideas for teaching your kids.  If you have any questions about the guide, please let me know. Thank you!
A Parent's Guide

The link below is a great website for parenting tips.
5 Basic Tips for Talking to Your Child About Sex

An article from a teenage girl who became pregnant.  It's from lds.org and even though it has a few religious terms, I thought it gives a good view into what a teenage girl goes through, when she becomes pregnant.  I liked it because it shows how she makes her decision about what to do about the baby.
Could I Let My Baby Go?

Information was used from the book Marriage and Family Quest for Intimacy by Lauer & Lauer.

Weddings and Marriage

     Weddings and marriage a thing of romance and dreams.  Unfortunately, not everything is roses and ice cream when it comes to these two things.  That's why I am going to share the research that helps clarify why things don't always go smoothly and what we can learn from that.
     Why do people marry?  When doing a study on young men and women, that were single, they found that women had a higher drive to marry than men.  Given that there's a high amount of people who eventually marry, it'd be reasonable to say that most people want to get married.  When we think of people who are getting married, we'd probably say that it's because they're in love.  Interestingly, there are some social scientist who believe that the full meaning of love isn't there until after marriage, not before. Marriage was originally for wealth and to gain connections.  Then as time went on it went to fulfill the need for intimacy or love.
     Today one of the reasons people marry is to establish an intimate relationship.  Then there's societal expectations to marry.  Most societies have rules about people marrying and usually think that most will marry.  One of the expectations is that once you are married, then you're off limits to others.  Another expectation is to have children and create your own family.  Parents may even pressure their children to get married, which can create a marriage that is doomed to fail.  Societal ideals and personal fulfillment, this shows that in America we value a marriage that brings children and lasts their whole lives.  Growing up with this ideal, we come to believe that marriage will satisfy some basic needs or even all of their needs and bring the greatest happiness possible.  This in itself creates unrealistic expectations and can cause serious problems.  It's ok to expect marriage to help fulfill personal fulfillment and satisfaction, since married people do show a greater amount of these two things than single.  Just don't go overboard in your ideals, we're all still human.  Desiring children and to create their own families is another reason to marry.  Practical solution to problems and challenges.  Some people come from bad situations and think marriage will improve that.  Then there's those who think it will help them fulfill or realize their dreams.  Also seen as a way to have a steady and dependable sex life.  Some are just lonely and want to get away from that.
     Contracts for marriage help clarify and help avoid problems, before marriage.  Some people do this through a prenuptial agreement which is legal and done by a lawyer.  This usually discusses money matters, but it can also specify non-financial matters such as household chores, child care, education and work hour limits.  There's also post-nuptial agreements, which decide money matters after being married.  There are also those who aren't comfortable with marriage contracts about money.  For them, it's suggested that they do what's called an informal marriage contract which isn't legally binding and just clarifies their expectations.  This is a good thing because it helps create understanding of what they expect and prevent conflict or issues later on.  The contract shouldn't be non-negotiable and be open to discussion at all times, since things change over time.
     The wedding is public ceremony that celebrates the marriage and validates it or makes it legal.  In societies that are preindustrial the wedding may be the sharing of a common meal and transferring the bride from her parents' home to her husband's.  Today, weddings have become elaborate and expensive.  Usually the bride is the one who does most of the wedding planning and sometimes there's so much involved that they hire a wedding planner.  There are all kinds of questions- where to have the wedding and reception?  What food will we have?  Who will do pictures?  The list goes on and on.  Let's take a look at the average wedding costs in the U.S. in 2016 the average was $32,641.  Since, the average marriage age has risen, most couples have careers and plan on paying at least some of the money themselves.  More elaborate weddings can create bad feelings between the couple and the parents.  One reason could be that the couple has different preferences for the wedding and parents who are paying may impose things on the wedding that the couple don't want.
     When we were talking in class, we discussed that it's better to have an affordable wedding that's nice, that the couple can agree on and pay for.  Since, this creates a stronger bond between the couple and doesn't have a stronger bond between the children and parents who are paying for the wedding.  A wedding is supposed to celebrate and help create a separate union and so preparations for the wedding should help achieve them becoming more of a couple.
     Marriage adjustments come as you become a couple.  Both individuals have expectations and different interests.  Adjustments that women make are usually moving to where the husband lives and changing their careers.  Then women usually do most of the household chores in most homes.  As children come, women typically take most of the responsibility of taking care of the children.  In courtship men were usually good at talking in ways to build intimacy, but after marriage tend to spend less time talking to their wives about their relationship.  Which doesn't meet the needs of the woman to talk, to increase their intimate relationship.
     Marriages that start out with disadvantages helps create many areas of concern.  For instance, if there's low income and not much education.  Or even if one of the people in the marriage is going to school, this can cause problems over the use of time and not being able to work on the relationship. On top of the relationship issues, there's adjusting to in-laws, which can either be good or bad.  One thing that has been found to be helpful is to make sure that in-laws know that the couple's marriage comes first and everyone else comes after.  This helps create a stronger bond around the couple and helps others to respect that bond.
     Overall, there's a lot of changes that happen and marital satisfaction tends to go down by the end of the first year.  Positive feelings are still in the marriage, but they have just moderated.  Also, if they have a baby in the first year, there tends to be a decrease in satisfaction due to more work and less time to spend as a couple doing fun things.  But, things can still be good if the couple works as a team, sharing in the care and planning for the baby.  As well as making time to spend time together, keeping the marriage a priority.  Even though there's challenges, couples can still be happy and have good marriages if they work to communicate in positive ways, keep going on dates, talking to each other each day for at least 15 minutes and most of all making their marriage a top priority.  My personal advice is to make the happiness of your spouse your top priority, if your spouse is happy then you probably will be too.
     What are some things that have strengthened your marriage or that you've seen in other marriages that you like?  Is there anything that you enjoyed or remember from your wedding or advice for those who are getting married?
         
Link below to a short video
Saving Your Marriage

A great book with top notch research is by John Gottman called The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. There's also a book with great advice called Take Back Your Marriage by William J. Doherty.
Below is a link to an interview with the author.
Take Back Your Marriage
Below is a video that summarizes the book.
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, Book Summary


Most of my information was from Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy and Take Back Your Marriage by William Doherty, PhD.