We live in a world where divorce is not uncommon to hear about and we each probably know a few families that have divorced. Today, my focus is going to be learning about why separation and divorces happen and hopefully, see how we can prevent this in our own lives and in others.
Changes in Divorce Law
In the past, in order to get a divorce, one had to show a reason for divorce. Things such as adultery, insanity, imprisonment or cruelty, were reasons to find fault in a spouse, as well as proof, to be able to divorce. If both spouses wanted a divorce, they might agree to lie and make up evidence, in order to divorce. This led to no fault divorce in California and New York in the 1970's. No fault divorce means that no proof is needed for divorce. The marriage is seen as unworkable and therefore is dissolved. Some states allow either spouse to initiate the divorce, whereas others require both spouses to agree. No fault divorce may seem like a good idea at first, but it actually allows easier divorces and gives more power to the spouse who wants the divorce, than the one who doesn't want a divorce and makes them feel powerless. Of course, there are good reasons for divorce such as abuse or other reasons, but according to Waite and Gallagher, the majority of couples who are unhappy can work through their problems and have a happy marriage within 5 years. So, in my opinion, no fault divorce prevents people from being willing to work through their issues, makes marriage seem more temporary and less important, and prevents people from having a happy marriage.
Effects of Divorce
Instances when divorce was a result from high-distress, there were positive effects such as increased happiness, optimism, personal growth, these are short-term outcomes mostly. If the divorce was traumatic, most people will adapt within two or three years and some will see it as a positive turning point. Negative outcomes: problems with physical and emotional health, sometimes these effects last for years and some even decades, after the divorce. Health problems develop because of stress from the divorce, which suppresses the immune system. Short-term effects on children are: physical and emotional problems, consequences can be more severe for children experience divorce in early childhood. Initial reactions may be intense anger, self-blame, fears about the future, and loyalty conflicts between parents, rate themselves lower in social competence, less sociable, fewer friends, less responsive at home, school, and play, lower self-esteem, more likely to be anxious, depressed, withdrawn, eating problems, disorders, tend to receive less maternal warmth and empathy, since the mother has less energy for nurturing children. Higher rates of substance abuse, poorer academic performance, higher dropout rates, higher rates of antisocial behavior, more negative attitudes about marriage. Compared to those in intact families, they have more problems at school, in grades, absences and behavioral problems. Adults whose parents divorced: tend to have higher levels of depression and lower life satisfaction, lower marital quality, higher chances of divorce, lower education attainment, lower income, lower occupational prestige and physical health.
Marital Dissolution
Recognition is the first phase, where one or both spouses become aware of serious problems. It frequently occurs when marital stress and open conflict are followed by a period of cold war between the couple. Recognition can occur pretty early, 40% said that they had doubts within the first six months and 60% had doubts within the first year. Reasons for doubts were: spouse's controlling behavior (making decisions without the spouse), lack of responsibility (getting fired for just cause, excessive amount of time with friends, leaving children unattended), and lack of emotional support (lack of concern and care, especially during pregnancy, childbirth or a family death). Doubts intensified when the troubling behavior continued, which lead to anger, hurt and disillusionment. Basically, they develop a different perception of their spouse, different from the way they saw them before marriage. Discussion is the next phase, spouses discuss marital problems with others such as friends, relatives, counselors and each other. They don't discuss the problem, but redefine the relationship in negative terms, only seeing things that happened in a negative way. Partner lets the other spouse know their what's making them unhappy. During the discussion period, the unhappy spouse will find a transitional person, someone who helps them move from their old life to a new life. This could be a temporary lover or a friend who provides emotional support. The spouse who found out about the problems, may try to save the marriage, but the odds are usually against them, since the unhappy spouse has already made changes and is trying to create a new life. The unhappy spouse, may say something like, "you don't know me anymore." Then try to get their spouse to accept that their bond has been separated and is beyond repair. Action period is where one spouse secures a lawyer to legally dissolve the marriage. They may already have prepared for divorce by paying their own bills, and not relying on their partner for support. This is also the time when they are likely to separate. Sometimes can allow for cooling-off time and let them deal with their problems and resolve them. Unfortunately, this period usually leads to divorce. Final phase is dissolution: begins when both spouses accept that the marriage has ended. They will usually try to come up with reasons for why the divorce happened. Some may not accept that the marriage ended until their spouse has a new partner.
Factors that Cause Divorce
The higher the your education and income, the less likely you are to divorce. For those without a high school diploma, the divorce rate has increased. Women divorced within 15 years of marriage was 65% with less than $25,000 annual income, 40% with income between $25,000 and $49,999 and 31% annual income of $50,000 or more. The younger you marry, the greater chances of divorce. Younger ages coincide with higher divorce rates, since it usually prevents higher educational attainment, which usually means lower income. Which is why those who married at age 25 or older, were less likely to divorce compared to those 18 years or younger. Gender ideology helps alter the relationship between young age and divorce. Three types of gender ideology are: traditional-where women agree the woman's place is in the home and gets fulfilled through raising her children and taking care of her home, outside employment carries negative consequences. Nontraditional women disagreed with the traditional women. Transitional agreed and disagreed to the traditional, in part. Age at first marriage didn't affect the likelihood of divorce for nontraditional women. Traditional women who married younger than 18, were twice as likely to divorce, as those who were 22-24 in age. Age of marriage and divorce, is affected by the woman's beliefs about gender roles. In race, African Americans are the most likely to divorce and Asians are the least likely to divorce. Social integration, state of relative harmony and cohesion in a group. Couples who are part of an integrated group, have support or a buffer against stress. Social integration helps minimize divorce rates. The more religious, the less likely people are to divorce. Those who are members of churches and attend services are less likely to divorce than nonmembers. Also, having more friends and being a member in an organization helps lessen divorce. Marital stability grows with the more children you have, up to three children, but declines when you have five or more children. Divorce culture has led to a more acceptance of divorce and a focus on individualism and personal happiness. Personal happiness takes priority over the couple's well-being. Americans marry to be happy and divorce to look for happiness in a new relationship, hoping it will meet their expectations. The sad part is that people usually don't deal with their own problems in marriage and bring the same problems into their new relationship and have someone else to compare to their new partner.
Issues that lead to Divorce
Most common reason for divorce was infidelity, which is sexual and/or emotional unfaithfulness to one's partner. Such as internet infidelity, where they become obsessed with a virtual partner, either on a gaming site or a site like Facebook. Infidelity can even be having a friend of the opposite sex that you spend lots of time with, such as talking or sharing too much, which creates an emotional bond. Other problems are: boredom with the marriage, falling in love with someone else, lack of emotional support, communication problems, constant conflict, financial problems, alcohol or other drugs, unsatisfactory sex, and falling out of love or growing apart. The way people deal with conflict is a huge predictor of divorce, according to John Gottman these are called the four horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. At the bottom I will provide a link to understand these better and how you can avoid these conflict issues.
Child Custody
Sole custody, where one parent has the responsibility of caring and raising the children. Which usually the mother would be given sole custody, today. The father is detrimental to the well-being of sons and daughters, so this damaging to the children to not have an involved father. Joint custody, where both parents share in caring and raising the children, which is common in most states. Sometimes, custody can be very stressful for children, such as when the children are made to decide between which parent they want to live with mostly.
Link below is common conflict issues and how to avoid using them by John Gottman, a leading researcher in marital issues:
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: The Gottman Institute
Information was mostly taken from Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer & Lauer
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