Understanding Separation and Divorce

     We live in a world where divorce is not uncommon to hear about and we each probably know a few families that have divorced.  Today, my focus is going to be learning about why separation and divorces happen and hopefully, see how we can prevent this in our own lives and in others.
Changes in Divorce Law
     In the past, in order to get a divorce, one had to show a reason for divorce.  Things such as adultery, insanity, imprisonment or cruelty, were reasons to find fault in a spouse, as well as proof, to be able to divorce.  If both spouses wanted a divorce, they might agree to lie and make up evidence, in order to divorce.  This led to no fault divorce in California and New York in the 1970's.  No fault divorce means that no proof is needed for divorce.  The marriage is seen as unworkable and therefore is dissolved.  Some states allow either spouse to initiate the divorce, whereas others require both spouses to agree.  No fault divorce may seem like a good idea at first, but it actually allows easier divorces and gives more power to the spouse who wants the divorce, than the one who doesn't want a divorce and makes them feel powerless.  Of course, there are good reasons for divorce such as abuse or other reasons, but according to Waite and Gallagher, the majority of couples who are unhappy can work through their problems and have a happy marriage within 5 years.  So, in my opinion, no fault divorce prevents people from being willing to work through their issues, makes marriage seem more temporary and less important, and prevents people from having a happy marriage.
Effects of Divorce
     Instances when divorce was a result from high-distress, there were positive effects such as increased happiness, optimism, personal growth, these are short-term outcomes mostly.  If the divorce was traumatic, most people will adapt within two or three years and some will see it as a positive turning point.  Negative outcomes: problems with physical and emotional health, sometimes these effects last for years  and some even decades, after the divorce.  Health problems develop because of stress from the divorce, which suppresses the immune system.  Short-term effects on children are: physical and emotional problems, consequences can be more severe for children experience divorce in early childhood.  Initial reactions may be intense anger, self-blame, fears about the future, and loyalty conflicts between parents,  rate themselves lower in social competence, less sociable, fewer friends, less responsive at home, school, and play, lower self-esteem, more likely to be anxious, depressed, withdrawn, eating problems, disorders, tend to receive less maternal warmth and empathy, since the mother has less energy for nurturing children.  Higher rates of substance abuse, poorer academic performance, higher dropout rates, higher rates of antisocial behavior, more negative attitudes about marriage.  Compared to those in intact families, they have more problems at school, in grades, absences and behavioral problems.  Adults whose parents divorced: tend to have higher levels of depression and lower life satisfaction, lower marital quality, higher chances of divorce, lower education attainment, lower income, lower occupational prestige and physical health.
Marital Dissolution
     Recognition is the first phase, where one or both spouses become aware of serious problems.  It frequently occurs when marital stress and open conflict are followed by a period of cold war between the couple.  Recognition can occur pretty early, 40% said that they had doubts within the first six months and 60% had doubts within the first year.  Reasons for doubts were: spouse's controlling behavior (making decisions without the spouse), lack of responsibility (getting fired for just cause, excessive amount of time with friends, leaving children unattended), and lack of emotional support (lack of concern and care, especially during pregnancy, childbirth or a family death).  Doubts intensified when the troubling behavior continued, which lead to anger, hurt and disillusionment. Basically, they develop a different perception of their spouse, different from the way they saw them before marriage.  Discussion is the next phase, spouses discuss marital problems with others such as friends, relatives, counselors and each other.  They don't discuss the problem, but redefine the relationship in negative terms, only seeing things that happened in a negative way.  Partner lets the other spouse know their what's making them unhappy.  During the discussion period, the unhappy spouse will find a transitional person, someone who helps them move from their old life to a new life. This could be a temporary lover or a friend who provides emotional support.  The spouse who found out about the problems, may try to save the marriage, but the odds are usually against them, since the unhappy spouse has already made changes and is trying to create a new life.  The unhappy spouse, may say something like, "you don't know me anymore."  Then try to get their spouse to accept that their bond has been separated and is beyond repair.  Action period is where one spouse secures a lawyer to legally dissolve the marriage.  They may already have prepared for divorce by paying their own bills, and not relying on their partner for support.  This is also the time when they are likely to separate.  Sometimes can allow for cooling-off time and let them deal with their problems and resolve them.  Unfortunately, this period usually leads to divorce. Final phase is dissolution: begins when both spouses accept that the marriage has ended.  They will usually try to come up with reasons for why the divorce happened.  Some may not accept that the marriage ended until their spouse has a new partner.    
Factors that Cause Divorce
     The higher the your education and income, the less likely you are to divorce.  For those without a high school diploma, the divorce rate has increased.  Women divorced within 15 years of marriage was 65% with less than $25,000 annual income, 40% with income between $25,000 and $49,999 and 31% annual income of $50,000 or more.  The younger you marry, the greater chances of divorce.  Younger ages coincide with higher divorce rates, since it usually prevents higher educational attainment, which usually means lower income.  Which is why those who married at age 25 or older, were less likely to divorce compared to those 18 years or younger.  Gender ideology helps alter the relationship between young age and divorce.  Three types of gender ideology are: traditional-where women agree the woman's place is in the home and gets fulfilled through raising her children and taking care of her home, outside employment carries negative consequences.  Nontraditional women disagreed with the traditional women.  Transitional agreed and disagreed to the traditional, in part.  Age at first marriage didn't affect the likelihood of divorce for nontraditional women.  Traditional women who married younger than 18, were twice as likely to divorce, as those who were 22-24 in age.  Age of marriage and divorce, is affected by the woman's beliefs about gender roles. In race, African Americans are the most likely to divorce and Asians are the least likely to divorce.  Social integration, state of relative harmony and cohesion in a group.  Couples who are part of an integrated group, have support or a buffer against stress.  Social integration helps minimize divorce rates.  The more religious, the less likely people are to divorce.  Those who are members of churches and attend services are less likely to divorce than nonmembers. Also, having more friends and being a member in an organization helps lessen divorce.  Marital stability grows with the more children you have, up to three children, but declines when you have five or more children.  Divorce culture has led to a more acceptance of divorce and a focus on individualism and personal happiness.  Personal happiness takes priority over the couple's well-being.  Americans marry to be happy and divorce to look for happiness in a new relationship, hoping it will meet their expectations.  The sad part is that people usually don't deal with their own problems in marriage and bring the same problems into their new relationship and have someone else to compare to their new partner.
Issues that lead to Divorce
     Most common reason for divorce was infidelity, which is sexual and/or emotional unfaithfulness to one's partner.  Such as internet infidelity, where they become obsessed with a virtual partner, either on a gaming site or a site like Facebook.  Infidelity can even be having a friend of the opposite sex that you spend lots of time with, such as talking or sharing too much, which creates an emotional bond.  Other problems are: boredom with the marriage, falling in love with someone else, lack of emotional support, communication problems, constant conflict, financial problems, alcohol or other drugs, unsatisfactory sex, and falling out of love or growing apart.  The way people deal with conflict is a huge predictor of divorce, according to John Gottman these are called the four horsemen:  criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.  At the bottom I will provide a link to understand these better and how you can avoid these conflict issues.    
Child Custody
     Sole custody, where one parent has the responsibility of caring and raising the children.  Which usually the mother would be given sole custody, today.  The father is detrimental to the well-being of sons and daughters, so this damaging to the children to not have an involved father.  Joint custody, where both parents share in caring and raising the children, which is common in most states.  Sometimes, custody can be very stressful for children, such as when the children are made to decide between which parent they want to live with mostly.

Link below is common conflict issues and how to avoid using them by John Gottman, a leading researcher in marital issues:
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: The Gottman Institute                

Information was mostly taken from Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer & Lauer

Unconditional Parenting

     Whether you're a single parent, a mom, dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, or some other family member, you have some way of dealing with children.  There are lots of parenting books and other resources out in the world and I don't have time to go over everything that I've learned.  Today, my goal is to give some guidelines and ideas to help you deal with children in a loving way, that helps them grow into the person you want them to become.
Influence Pyramid
   

     In my parenting class we discussed how when we have a problem with a child or another person, we tend to go directly to correction or communicating.  This is usually not the best way to deal with a problem.  The solution to a problem is always below the level where we we think the solution is.  For instance, if my sister borrowed my shirt and got it dirty and I was upset, my first reaction would be to correct her.  But, what I should do is listen and learn why she got it dirty and then communicate and teach her what she could do to prevent this or why this upset me.  It would do no good to yell at her and say she can never borrow my clothes again.  This wouldn't teach her anything and I might be judging too harshly for something that wasn't even her fault.  Could be that someone threw something at her and it got the shirt dirty.  So, I could listen and help her come up with better ways of being more careful with using other people's things.  By teaching, I'm giving her the opportunity to learn and become more responsible in the future.  

     If you see a problem, you need to first think about how your way of being is towards that person, am I upset with this person or seeing them as an object instead of a person.  Which means that I'm not treating this person the way I would treat myself, not thinking about their feelings and how I'm acting towards them.  Then you would make sure you have relationships with those who have influence like family or friends.  Next, you need to look at your relationship with that person or child and build on it.  This means taking time to talk to them and listening, doing fun things with them, making sure that they know you love and care about them.  Then you just continue up the pyramid from there.  The most influence comes from those that you feel care and love you, that aren't just going to try to correct you, without listening and understanding.  There's a lot more to this and you can read about it in the book-The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute.

Unconditional Parenting 

     There's another great book called Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.  Talks about how children need to feel unconditionally loved, this means you love them no matter what.  Even though we all love our children, we need to show our children this through what we do and say, especially when they do something we think needs disciplining.  When it comes to discipline for some reason, people tend to have the assumption that children are inherently bad and that we must correct them or punish them to make them good.  I would say that children are inherently good and need to be taught rather than punished when they do something you don't agree or approve of.  For instance, the author's daughter was four years old and one night she wouldn't get into the bath as she promised she would do and yelled loud enough to wake up her baby brother.  Instead of taking the conditional approach, which would be to take away reading a bedtime story as they did each night and being told why she would get that punishment, he took the unconditional approach.  He talked to her and explained what she did wrong after she had calmed down and read her the bedtime story.  The point of unconditional parenting is to teach that your love is there no matter how they act, while still helping them learn what they do wrong and what they should do, while trying to understand why they act out.  In her instance, she possibly could have been jealous of her new baby brother and all the time and attention he was getting.  So, by taking away the story time, she would have thought it was true that her parents didn't love her as much as the baby and didn't want to spend time with her.  I know this probably sounds weird, but I can't explain everything right now, so I would highly suggest reading the book to understand better.  Also, please don't read just the beginning, the explanations really start towards the last half of the book.

Guiding Principles

     There are 13 guiding principles to unconditional parenting.  

1. Be Reflective.  Before acting, be honest with yourself about your motives, make sure you aren't being overly controlling and are treating them in a fair and understanding way.

2. Reconsider your requests.  Think about the age of the child, if the request is fair or necessary.  For instance, if your kid won't practice the piano, should they be allowed to stop doing piano if they don't like it? Will they end up disliking music?  Have you discussed with the child and listened to what their feelings are on the matter.

3. Keep your eye on the long-term goals.  Do you want your child to grow up to be ethical, intelligently curious, content with themselves, have good healthy relationships?  Then does it matter in the long run if they spill some milk or lose their temper?  Are you teaching them in a calm and loving manner how to deal with these issues, without just punishing them?

4. Put the relationship first.  Being right isn't necessarily what matters, said a father.  If you constantly punish a child, instead of listening and learning, while also teaching and spending quality time with them, how will they feel about how much you love and care about them?  If children feel safe and loved, they are more likely to explain when they do something wrong, come to us when they're in trouble, look to us for advice and to want to spend time with us.

5. Change how you see, not just how you act.  What do you see when a child does something inappropriate?  Do you see a child that needs to be punished or a problem to be solved together, an opportunity to teach rather than making the child suffer more?  The working with is much better than the doing to approach.  The way you respond comes from how you make sense of what happened.

6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Learn to take your children seriously, they're people too.  Don't dismiss your children's fears or feelings.  Acknowledge how they feel, let them feel understood and important.  

7. Be Authentic.  Just because you're a parent, don't try to make your kids think you're perfect.  Let them know you make mistakes too.  Let them know you get frustrated, distracted or tired too.  Also, don't be afraid to say you were wrong and apologize.  This is important because it sets a powerful example of how to apologize and that it's ok to make mistakes and that things are sometimes our fault.

8. Talk less, ask more.  We may be so busy explaining our point of view that we fail to hear the child's.  Our first priority is to figure out the source of the problem and to recognize what the child needs.  Listen without judgement and ask open-ended questions that allow the child to say how they feel and what happened, not judgmental questions.

9. Keep their ages in mind.  Don't set unrealistically high expectations.  For instance it's not reasonable to expect a toddler to sit quietly through a long dinner.  Very young children can't grasp the obligation entailed by making a promise, so it's not appropriate to hold them responsible if they don't  keep a promise.  If a child is fidgety, that's normal, don't punish them for not being able to hold still.  Parenting takes patience.  

10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.  We usually don't know for sure why the child acted the way they did.  Our beliefs can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  What you think, influences the way you act.  If you see a child as a troublemaker and treat them that way or in the way you speak with them, you may create a belief in the child to become what you think they are.  Even if you don't say anything, just in the way you way you treat them or over-control them may lead them to think you don't trust them and act in that way.  Give the benefit of the doubt, accidents happen and things aren't always what they seem.  Most importantly expect the best from your child, in their motives and who they are.  Acknowledge the good, more than the bad.

11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily.  More parents are consistently saying no.  Children are told this literally every day, many times.  Keep track and see how many times you say no compared to yes.  When there's danger of course say no, but if it's not, make sure your motives are fair.  Children are much more likely to listen, if you say yes more often.  For instance, if your child wants to do a craft, but you don't want to take the time and you don't have anything urgent to do, say yes.  I know I always appreciated my parents doing things with me and helped me feel I was important enough to turn off the TV and do things with me.

12. Don't be rigid.  Make exceptions on the rules for special occasions and make sure they know they're an exception and shouldn't expect it all the time.  Be understanding, everyone has an off-day, including children.  

13. Don't be in a hurry.  Be able to take time to let your kids do things on their time, especially when they get in the stage of doing things themselves.  Make time to be able to let the child calm down from a tantrum or to stop doing something.  If a child is going to have trouble sitting somewhere, bring a toy, book or something to help them succeed in behaving.  Savor the time you have with your kids and make time for them, they grow up too quick.

My Thoughts

     There's a lot that comes with being a parent and there are many challenges.  Overall, I think it's best to take an authoritative parenting stance and have good reasonable demands of children, but let them have a say in those demands and consequences, when they're old enough to understand. This means working with your children to help them succeed and giving them opportunities to make their own decisions.  We want our children to grow up and be able to take care of themselves and that means letting them practice, before they are on their own, so that we can help them learn and become capable adults. This will mean more talks and having them help decide what their limits or boundaries are and knowing why they're in place.  Especially, make time to talk about problems you foresee and coming up with solutions and explanations of what's right and wrong.  This can prevent many problems and issues and helps them know where you stand.  Most of all, be a good listener and try to see things from their perspective, treating them the way you want to be treated. What are some parenting methods or things that you've seen in parents that you think are good at showing love?  

Below are links to Haim Ginott who wrote a great parenting book and is actually quite entertaining. These clips are pretty short, so feel free to watch them all.

Haim Ginott Parenting Advice from a great author and parent  

Haim Ginott continued

Haim Ginott and Wife on school

Haim Ginott and feelings

Below is a link to a great comedy piece, that helps you see things from your child's perspective.

Brian Regan-Balloon & Wallet

Below is a link to the teacher of my parenting class doing a presentation about schools and teaching morals.  He also has some other great videos that you might see on the side that are good.

Tim Rarick on schools and teaching morals

Below is a link to a talk by President Thomas S. Monson of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints about morals and why they're important.

Dare to Stand Alone

My references for my post are The Anatomy of Peace and Unconditional Parenting.

Another great book to read would be Mindset The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck and helps you learn how to reach your full potential and how you can help your child reach their full potential.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

                                                                               

Family Finances

     Whether you're a two parent, one parent or just a single person family, we all have to deal with money.  The question isn't do I have enough to get by right now, but how well are you managing your money for the future.  I know many people struggle with money and being able to budget wisely, so I will be giving some pointers and steps you can look at to see how you're doing and what you can improve on.
Giving Money
     First off, if you're religious are you paying contributions to your church, or for some people call it tithing.  Even if you're not religious, are you paying money to some kind of charity or someplace that's in need.  According to Dave Ramsey, "Not only does giving of your money or other resources generate good in the lives of others, but it also generates contentment in your heart." I would also say from a religious point, that when I'm paying money to tithing, that somehow my money stretches more and I'm more aware of how much money I have.  
Manage Money Together
     Next, both partners should discuss and learn how to manage their money together.  Creating an attitude of openness and trust, both having an equal say in how the money is spent.  This will probably mean learning to compromise and being willing to cut back on things you don't need to spend much money on.  This will require learning self-discipline and self-restraint.  Meaning that you should look at realistic goals and make a determination and good plan to save up for these goals.  You might need to learn how to say no to making purchases you don't need or at least cutting back.  It's easy to buy things now on credit, but you pay for that credit over the long run.  According to the Federal Reserve in 2016 total U.S. outstanding consumer debt was $3.62 trillion.  So, free money, isn't really free.  Learn to pay off debt as soon as possible, starting with the smallest amount and working your way up.  Also, it's much better to save up for items, such as cars and be able to pay in cash.  This means planning and saving a small amount over a set period of time. 
Make a Budget
     One of the most important steps, is after you have made up your goals, you need to make a budget.  Carefully look at each months checkbook and banking statement.  Look at how much income you have each month and look at expenditures, then try to look at how much you can put into savings and investing.  Dave Ramsey recommends building up a $1,000 savings, for emergencies.  That way when something comes up, you don't have to go into debt or use a credit card.  If you're worried about making a budget, don't worry this is the step that will help you start to get your money matters under control and help you start on a path to a happier future.  It took my husband and I, a few months to really start to see how much is reasonable in a budget for different categories and how much we can reasonably save, so be patient.
Children 
     Need to teach your children early the importance of working and earning.  One of the best things you can do for your kids is to teach them to work and how to handle money properly.  To me, this means having chores and giving service.  There could be special chores that you could give them money for and be willing to help them find opportunities to work for others.  When I was growing up I was given money for weeding the dandelions in the lawn and made money babysitting.  My brothers earned money through doing yard work for neighbors.  One important aspect of money is to teach children how to save, but by helping them save for specific things such as college, a car, a special toy that they want, etc.  Teach them how to budget, what the family financial position is and have them help decide investment goals, such as a family vacation or something fun to do.  Do fun, inexpensive activities to help save up for those goals, such as making homemade play dough, playing games you already have, making simple goodies, going outside and having a picnic, etc.  Also, you can have them help contribute to saving up for the goal by doing outside work or working for someone else together.
Education
     When it comes to education, try to gain as much as you can.  This could be trade school, a formal education or just learning different skills through self-help books or a community college class.  Also, learn how to do basic homemaking skills or auto repair and home repair skills, which can help you save money.  Also, involve your kids when possible, by teaching them skills such as cooking, cleaning, or whatever skills you have.  Teach them how important an education is and how it can help them in the future.
Homes
     If you want to buy a home, look at ones you can afford.  Improve the home through landscaping and do it yourself projects in the home.  Then when you sell it, you can hopefully make more money and be able to afford a better home that suits the needs of your family.  Or you can also use homes as an investment, if you think it's a good fit for you.
Insurance
     Make sure you have sufficient insurance in medical, automobile, homeowner's insurance and adequate life insurance, that meet your needs. This will help you prevent financial burdens.  If you don't have it right now and don't have much money here's a link to the government's insurance- https://www.healthcare.gov/.  This also helps you save money on taxes, since you now pay a fee, if you don't have health insurance.   
Finances
     Make sure you understand the external influences on finances and investments.  For instance, make sure you know how much inflation costs are.  If you bring more money in and inflation goes up, you might not have as much money as you think.  Have a good retirement plan, you can do this by going to a financial advisor, which can be free if you look.  Could even start by asking your bank for some information and they could probably point you in the right direction.  Also, take advantage of employee 401k plans and any kinds of insurance plans they provide, which will usually be discounted.  If you don't understand much about finances, take a college course or read a book about it.  The book I'm using to learn is called Personal Finance by E. Thomas Garman and Raymond E. Forgue, 12e version.  It's pretty well written and has helped me learn a lot.
Emergency Preparedness
     Start to accumulate food storage and emergency supplies.  This doesn't mean going into debt, it means making a plan that's right for you.  For instance, when something is on sale like noodles, that you normally buy, just get a few more.  This way by buying things you already need, you begin to have extra and this can help a lot if an emergency happens.  Also, saving up 3-6 months worth of savings in case of an emergency, like being laid off from a job or a medical emergency that your insurance doesn't cover completely.  Planting a garden and canning can be a great way to reduce grocery costs and to bring more food to your food storage.  Another important thing is to exercise and eat well, to keep healthy and help prevent medical costs.
My Thoughts 
     I know I covered a lot of things, but the important thing is to start with one thing and go on from there.  For instance, I would probably start with a budget, which would help me see what I can change and where I'm at right now.  Then, since it's summer, if some kind of fruit goes on sale I could buy a good amount and can it or freeze it.  Overall, I know that all of these areas are important and that we can all improve and help make a better future for ourselves, even if that just starts with more peace of mind and understanding.  What will you start to do, to improve your finances?  What are some tips that have worked for you or helped someone else?

Below is a link to the pamphlet I took most of the information from.
One for the Money Guide to Family Finance

Below is a link to Dave Ramsey's 7 Baby Steps, which has been part of what I've been learning in my Money Management class.  I highly suggest watching this and taking it seriously, my husband and I have been following his steps. Dave Ramsey is very successful financially and knows what he's talking about.
Dave Ramsey 7 Baby Steps for Super Savings

Below is a link to a great article from a woman who went from working to being a stay at home mom and how they were able to go from a dual income to a single.  She also wrote a book called "Living Well on Less in a Tough Economy."
How to Downsize from Dual to Single Income