Cohabitation and Marriage

     Many in today's world believe that cohabitation is a good way to test out a relationship and hope that it will prevent divorce or problems later on.  So, it might interest you that despite these beliefs, research has actually shown that cohabitation increases divorce and problems.  It has been proven time and time again, that those who don't cohabit and then marry have the advantage.
     First, let's look at differences between cohabitating couples and married couples.  Married couples have better-quality relationships compared to cohabitating couples, especially those who don't plan to marry.  There's a higher rate of violence in cohabitating couples, a woman is nine times more likely to be killed by her partner than in a married couple.  More sex and more satisfying sex are found in married couples.  Married couples have better health than cohabitating couples.  Less depression,  greater happiness, higher commitment levels to relationship, and relationships with parents are better.  Parental separation is five times more likely for kids born to cohabitating parents than those born to married parents.  Cohabitating parents spend less on education and more on alcohol and tobacco than married parents do.  Cohabitating couples have less durable and stable unions than married couples.  Cohabitating couples are more likely to have less education and to be minorities, than those who marry.
     Now let's look at couples who cohabit before marriage compared to those who did not.  Those who cohabited showed poorer marital problem-solving skills and were less supportive of each other, compared to those who did not cohabit.  Infidelity is higher among those who cohabit before marriage, than those who didn't. Those who cohabit before marriage are more likely to be more economically disadvantaged than those who enter marriage without cohabitation. Cohabitors are more likely to perceive the possibility of divorce, than those who didn't.  Actual divorce rates are higher among those who cohabit before marriage, with the exception of African and Mexican American women.  Divorce is twice as likely for women who have multiple cohabitations before marriage, compared to those who cohabit only with their eventual husbands.
     Children and cohabitation is something important to look at.  This is because during the late 2000's almost one-half of all premarital first births were to women who were cohabiting.  Those who cohabit have their first births at younger ages and on average have more children.  They are also likely to have had more than one partner, that they cohabited with and to have had prior children with other partners.  Low income parents are more likely to cohabit and raise children outside of marriage.  Cohabiting parents include single mother families. The risks to children's well being, who grew up in a single-parent family are: reduced educational attainment, poor health, early sexual activity and pregnancy, later poverty, emotional problems.
     Overall, we can see that those who cohabitation increases divorce and problems.  Cohabitation affects many areas, such as relationship quality, commitment, violence, health, infidelity, marriage, divorce and children.  Cohabitation has also been increasing for the past several decades and doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon.  This is the reason that I decided to write about this and even did a research paper on this topic.  I wanted to be able to help educate others on this important topic, so that others could see the research for themselves and be able to make better informed decisions.
     People may look down on marriage for different reasons, but I honestly think by looking at the research that cohabitation ultimately creates a lower commitment level. This makes those who are cohabiting look at the relationship as something that is disposable and not important.  Whereas marriage is looked at as something serious, stable and lasting.  Something that you will work on together and will put each other first and having more trust from the beginning. I say this out of not just research, but my own experience with marrying without cohabitating.  From the very beginning of marriage, we brought all of our resources together and discussed how to make things work because we were committed to each other and our marriage success.  This is very different from how cohabitation usually goes, they are two separate people, with separate lives who live together and are willing to leave if there's problems, they don't want to deal with, since there's not a strong commitment.
     In closing, I just want to say that my intention wasn't to be unfeeling towards those who cohabit or think it's a good idea.  I simply wanted to share my knowledge and hopefully help others to have better chances of successful relationships that end in successful marriages.  Why do you think marriage without cohabitation has been shown to be more successful and to have less problems overall?

Link below is another view from some experts
Is There Really a Difference Between Being Married And Living Together

Information was used from the book Marriage and Family Quest for Intimacy by Lauer & Lauer. Professional journal articles that are peer reviewed: Farber, N. & Miller-Cribbs, J. (2014).  “First Train Out”: Marriage and Cohabitation in the Context of Poverty, Deprivation, and Trauma.  Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment.  24, 188-207. 
Lichter, D. T., Sassler, S. & Turner, R.N. (2014).  Cohabitation, post-conception unions, and the rise in nonmarital fertility.  Social Science Research. 47, 134-147. 
Malek. N. B. A. (2016).  Is Cohabitation An Alternative to Marriage?  Procedia-Social and Behavioral Sciences. 219, 12-18. 
Manning, W. D. & Cohen, J. A. (2012).  Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Dissolution: An Examination of Recent Marriages.  Journal of Marriage and Family. 74, 377-387. 
Tach, L. M. & Halpern-Meekin, S. (2012).  Marital Quality and Divorce Decisions: How Do Premarital Cohabitation and Nonmarital Childbearing Matter?  Family Relations Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies.  61, 571-585. 
Willoughby, B. J. & Carroll, J. S.  (2012). Correlates of Attitudes Toward Cohabitation: Looking at the Associations With Demographics, Relational Attitudes, and Dating Behavior.  Journal of Family Issues.  33(11), 1450-1476.

Knowledge on Same-Sex Attraction

     Today I am going to share with you the knowledge we have from research on same-sex attraction.  Some of this knowledge has been used and been successful in helping those, who wanted to change their sexual orientation.  I am a big believer that anyone can change, if they are willing and want to work on it and do their best, on whatever they choose. I'm not saying that same-sex attraction isn't real or that there are those out there, who will choose to stay the way they are. My goal is simply to help others gain understanding and be able to make informed decisions for their selves. Knowledge is power and I want to empower any who are willing to learn.
Born That Way?
     To begin with let's discuss one of the most known arguments for why people are gay. That they are born that way. You may wonder where this information came from. There was a biological scientist at Salk Institute in San Diego named Simon LeVay. He did research on brains of two groups of men: homosexual men and men he presumed were heterosexual.  This was done with fairly small sample sizes, the research was done postmortem, focusing on a certain cluster of cells in the hypothalamus called INAH-3. At the end he said that he found small, but significant differences between the brains of the two groups.
     Now to examine the research. First, he had a number of limitations. He had a small amount of information on the sexual histories of the research subjects. Some of the subjects died of AIDS/HIV. Even though there were differences in the groups, some of the presumed heterosexual men had small nuclei in the areas researched and some homosexual men had large enough nuclei to be included in the heterosexual range. Despite this being just one study with no other studies done to back up the information, the media shouted that the biological cause of homosexuality had been found. Any scientist could see that the claim was far from accurate based on the research.
   You may be wondering what did LeVay say himself about the research? Well, here it is. He, himself contradicted what the media said. I will summarize, because he said quite a bit. He admitted limitations on his research, such as the subjects were adult men who had been sexually active for a number of years. To really prove that there were neuroanatomical differences existed early in life, it would be preferred at birth. That without that data, there's always the possibility that those differences could be the result of differences in sexual behavior-perhaps the "use it or lose it" principle. That even if the differences in the hypothalamus came before birth, that this might come from a variety of causes including genetic differences, differences in stress exposure, and many others. At the end he says, "It's important to stress what I didn't find,".... "I did not prove that homosexuality is genetic, or find a genetic cause for being gay." For the rest, read pages 482-483 in the link below. It also included the other research on biological findings & explanations for homosexual research.
Theories
   Now onto the part that helps us understand the research of how many come to have same-sex attraction. There are three theories that help us understand.  Psychoanalytic Theory- Homosexuality comes from a context of difficult family relationships, particularly a detached, disconnected father and an over-involved mother. These unhealthy relationships contribute to the rejection of a masculine or feminine gender identity. Disordered parent-child relationship. Child doesn't accept identification with same-sex parent and turns to same-sex peers or adults for love, support and affirmation.
    Social Learning Theory- Individuals learn through observations, and adopt attitudes and actions from significant others. The media and peers have tremendous influences on the sexual attitudes and behaviors of adolescents. Some researchers have observed a higher prevalence of sexual abuse in the histories of both male and female homosexuals.  Also explains how needs for attention and affection get mixed up with sexuality when sexual abuse  occurs. Children can develop an affinity for homosexual relationships because physical stimulation  can be reinforcing. Teasing and bullying (peer abuse) makes them often feel disconnected from their own masculinity.
    Interactional Theory-  Combines indirect or predisposing effects of biology with environmental factors to explain homosexuality.  Temperament is associated with gender nonconformity(where boys identify with girls and girls identify with boys in terms of their activities), the child is prevented from interacting with same-sex peers and so they fail to bond or identify with same-sex peers.  During adolescence, they sexualize "otherness", or those with whom they are not identified. Sexualize that with which they aren't familiar.
My Thoughts
     I wanted to say in closing that I am aware of how controversial a subject this is and that my intention wasn't to offend anyone.  In fact if anything, I wanted to encourage more understanding and more support, to those who go through those things written above.  Also, to help people to hopefully identify anything they might be doing or might do, that affect others in a negative way and be able to change. Until I learned this information I felt lost and hopeless on this subject, but now I feel empowered and that I can help others in being able to understand things more clearly. Nothing can be done until people understand and can act to make a difference, no matter what the subject matter is. Hopefully, you also recognized how important good relationships with parents are to children and that we all just want to be accepted and loved. I invite you to think on those things that have been discussed and to think. Am I helping or hurting others by what I think and do in this matter?

Link below to YouTube video
Understanding Same-Sex Attraction

Link to Research Article by A. Dean Byrd

Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable? What Science Can and Cannot Say

The Worth of a Stay-at-Home Mom

Before I start, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to all mothers!
     Many people in our world now look down on mothers who stay at home and don't have a job outside the home.  I realize that there are mothers who have to work for different reasons. When possible though, I wanted to show that being a stay-at-home mom is an honorable and rewarding job.  It's interesting to see from the Pew research center that 29% of mothers (about 10.4 million women) with children below the age of 18, stayed-at-home, compared to 23% in 1999.  There are of course many different factors that affect this.
     One thing I found interesting in an academic journal was, how big of a difference just the attitude of stay-at-home moms about working affected their experience with staying at home.  The findings showed that parenting quality of the full-time stay-at-home mothers are influenced by their beliefs and attitudes toward maternal employment. This is one reason, that I think the way society perceives women not working outside the home, is so important.  If women grow up thinking that they have to work outside the home to be successful, what kind of message are we sending to those great mothers who work so hard to make their home a loving, warm environment, where they can foster the growth of their children. Are we saying that focusing on your children and your family is beneath us as women?  That you can't reach fulfillment in your life from your family?
     It has been found that married stay-at-home mothers (85%) are more likely than single (41%) or cohabiting stay-at- home mothers (64%) to say they are not employed, because they are caring for their families. This is something that I have found very interesting as I've grown up.  That more women seem ashamed or embarrassed to say that they are a stay-at-home mom, when asked what they do for work.  Anyone in my opinion, who thinks that being a stay-at-home mom isn't a real job, has no idea what being a good stay-at-home mom entails and what it means.
     I was blessed to have a mom who cared enough & was able to, not work outside the home and it meant so much to me.  She worked hard to keep the house clean, to make meals for our family, to play games with the kids, to drive us places, to read to us, sing to us, talk to us, take care of us when sick and just watch us outside when we'd play to make sure we were safe.  It was such a great feeling to know that when I got home from school that my mom would be there, to talk to me, give me a treat and help me with my homework.  I see so many kids who don't grow up having this and it makes me sad.  But, I also know the flip side to this. My mom started working when all of her kids were in school during the whole day.  Even though she worked at the school so that she could be home when we were.  There was a change, she didn't have as much energy and time for us, she needed time to relax just like we did.  She also didn't seem quite as happy as she did before. It also meant that both of my parents were tired from work and didn't have as much motivation to do extra things, like doing fun things as a family. This is when I truly came to realize that being a stay-at-home mom is a blessing that can't be measured.  Thank you mom!
What's your experience with moms working outside the home or being a stay-at-home mom?

Here's the link to
The Value of a Mom

The Real Value of a Stay at Home Mom



The peer-reviewed study I looked at was called- The Relation Between Mothers' Attitudes Toward Maternal Employment and Social Competence of 36 month-olds: The Roles of Maternal Psychological Well-Being and Sensitivity by Young Eun Chang

Family System Theories, What a Circus!

Come one, come all, to the family circus. Ever wondered why your family is the way it is, well you have come to the right place. There are four theories that try to explain how the family works.  First, there’s the Systems Theory it says that each family is a system with different boundaries that make it different from other groups.  That each person in the family has different roles and rules that apply to them.  Basically, the family, is a system of separate parts that work together as a whole.  An example would be that I compare my family to a circus.  We all have different roles to play, but it’s only a circus when we work together.  After all, it’d be pretty boring if there was only one clown and a ringmaster, you need all the acts. There are also what’s called subsystems where two or more people interact in different ways. Such as a group of flying trapeze artists, they learn to work together in different ways.

Exchange Theory explains that in our interactions, we try to keep our costs lower than rewards.  Costs would be intellectual or emotional energy, time, money or anything that you define as an investment in a relationship.  Rewards would be sense of security, intellectual or emotional gratification or anything that’s satisfying, that comes from a relationship.  An example would be when you select a life partner.  You decide if what you get out of the relationship is worth what you put into it. Or going to the circus, is it worth the money for the entertainment factor.

Symbolic Interaction Theory says that humans are influenced and shaped by their interaction experiences. That interaction results in who is in the interaction and what happens in the interaction. For instance, a young man is negative about marriage until he interacts with a particular woman.  There’s also the definition of a situation, where what we define in the situation becomes real and has real consequences.  Example, a woman sees her husband talking with a woman and thinks he’s flirting.  When he might just be talking to her, to be polite.  Even though the woman is wrong, the consequences to what she thinks, would be real, when she confronts him.  Basically, it’s all about your perspective.  By looking at the clown, you might miss out on the elephant ride.

Conflict Theory describes societies as having conflict, inequality and change as people struggle over resources that are scarce.  Because there aren’t enough resources for everyone, different groups with common goals fight over those resources.  They either get them or have to make do with what they have.  There are two groups that are focused on, social class and gender differences.  Social classes have similar income, occupational prestige and lifestyle.  Gender differences would show that some women think that men have an advantage in power, since they make more money.  This one is all about whoever has the power, is the one that influences the most.  Just like parents influence the money usually, since they have jobs and the children don’t.  Similar to the circus manager getting complaints from the performers about wanting raises.

So, you may be wondering, what does this have to do with families and how can it help me? By knowing that there are different systems in your family, that determine how people interact and work.  You can look at the systems and determine where you fit in and what you can do to make it work better.  It also gives more understanding on why things work the way they do.  With exchange rate, you can look at your relationships and see what costs and rewards are ok with you.  Then understand why some relationships work and others don’t.  Possibly even discuss things, with those who don’t know what’s important to you and make a more balanced relationship.  Symbolic interaction can help you realize that you assign meanings to different things and may even interpret things wrong.  To help you be more open in discussing what happened and what the other person’s view is, before you make decisions that have consequences.  Lastly, conflict theory helps us see that there are certain resources that we want and help us see who has the influence. Maybe by knowing, we can be better at negotiating and helping both parties get what they want.  To help stop the power struggles. 

I want to leave you with a question.  How can I take what I learned and help improve my relationships?  

Below are links to watch family circus acts, enjoy!

The Fabulous Wallenda Family Circus Tightrope Act

The Flying Olimechas Trapeze Act